I guess do what works:12/20/10

On Monday we went to a benefit dinner for Justice for Lily. There were quite a few people there but we sat at our own table and it was kind of off to the side. I could tell Kenz wasn't fully comfortable. We kept noticing her sliding down in her chair. When asked to sit up, you could tell she just didn't want to. I bent over and asked her what was wrong and I got her deer glare and I could see her playing with her tag. Kenz's comfort tool is playing with the side tag on a shirt. She just will rub it back and forth between her fingers. She told me she liked the floor. I had asked her if she felt more comfortable down there and she said yes. We allowed her to sit on the floor underneath the table(she was done eating). She just sat there smiling away when I would look at her. She was playing with her camera some of the time but she just sat there content.

Holidays are a time of...........anxiety

The latest we are supposed to be working on with Kenz is making her buy things from the store. Well right now going to the store can be a nightmare for her with all the people

Dance fail

I was finally starting to feel great about Kenz being in dance and loving it. I had to make the decision back in October to order her pricey dance costume, which I did. In the beginning of December it was observation week in class which means all the parents and whatever other family members want to are welcome in the classroom. Kenz was super clingy and just didn't want to do anything. They did a cool project where all the kids did a paint hand print on the door with their name under it. It was so neat to see all the kids' hands, well all but Kenz's. She just lost it when it was her turn and wanted nothing to do with it. Nothing to do with the paint, nothing to do with the class, just nothing. She wouldn't talk to any of the girls or even look at them.

I was hoping next week things would go better for her in dance. I figured it wasn't observation week so hopefully she would be back to regular Kenzee, the one who was beginning to enjoy dance class. Nope. Usually if I sit behind her she will participate. She wanted nothing to do with class besides sitting right next to me holding hands. This week I had Jaxon with me so it was difficult for me to get really involved. I tried many different things to get her with her classmates but I could just feel her anxiety raising and I knew I had to back off. I was instantly saddened because she was making such great progress before and I was feeling like I was losing that. She does the dance moves and songs at home constantly. However only Fred and I see that, I want her teacher to see the love she has for dance. Some days I just wish the world saw the Kenz I got to see at home

Being Thankful-lessons learned from children

This year I have learned so much from the beautiful children that surround me. I never thought my children and ones around me would change me the way they have.

Kenz has taught me to not take the little things in life for granted and the little things in life is what makes you happy sometimes. I would have never thought seeing her talk to another girl in dance would make me cry or playing outside at daycare with her friends. There are still times when Kenz having SM can be frustrating but I always step back and remind myself that it takes time. I know Kenz has so much to share and tell the world but right now, I have to help her do that. She has also taught me to not be so quick to judge others. One of the hardest things of SM is not everyone understands it and physically looking at Kenz, you wouldn't guess something was wrong. I find myself explaining to people a lot about Kenz. Strangers will come up to her and talk to her and then they find it rude when she ignores them and hides her face. I've had people withhold thing from Kenz until she says thank you or please. My first reaction is leave her alone and get out of her face!! But I remember she doesn't walk around with a sign around her neck explaining herself so I cannot judge others who don't fully understand her.

Jaxon oh Jaxon. I'm so grateful for carrying you until 38weeks. It was wonderful to enjoy a fullterm pregnancy. I cherished everyday we made it past 31wks. I am also thankful I was able to hear you cry after birth. It was the greatest thing to see a crying baby(who wasn't blue) and being able to kiss your forehead. Then around 3wks old you threw me through some hoops. The nurse literally running with you in her arms screaming for a respiratory is burned into my mind. We went through many obstacles while you were hospitalized for 3wks. When I had you fullterm I thought I would never have to deal with the ventilator and all the IVs because you were fully baked. But you showed me wrong. You might not of been born blue like sissy but I seen you go blue one to many times while in the PICU. I was thankful for the knowledge I gained from Kenz' NICU experience because it made the coping with Jaxon's PICU much easier. Seeing you take your first breath of the vent was amazing! I truly cherished the first moment I was able to try and breastfeed you again. Even though it was difficult because your throat was so swollen and you had an NG tube for 3wks, at that moment I knew everything was going to be okay and I had something the drs couldn't give you. I had the wonderful mommy milk and the comfort of nursing in my arm.

On November 20th 2010 I received some devastating news that a girl I knew from LLL meetings had lost her daughter. This was hard to hear especially since it was from abuse. Lily's death made me realize I sometimes take the little moments with the kids for granted. It reminded me to be more patient with the kids and to always live in the moment we are in. The night Kenz came home from OK she didn't go to bed til 1030(usually in bed by 830) and she wouldn't sleep by herself and then she woke up at 330am. Usually I would get frustrated because during that time I would also be woken by Jaxon to eat which means I would barely be getting any sleep. But instead of getting mad I enjoyed my cuddling on the couch with Kenz as we watched cartoons. I enjoyed her silly moments and hearing her laugh.

From all of these I have also learned to have more trust in my faith.

11/17 and 11/18-BIG week for Kenz :)

This week Kenz made me cry but not out of frustration or anger but of her accomplishments. At therapy we decided to walk over to English Gardens, its a small nursery next door that was all decorated for Christmas. The goal was just to walk around the store and the dr and I take to Kenz and see how far we could push the limits before she pushed back. Kenz was in awe when we walked in! There were Christmas trees, lights, ornaments, fake animals, and other decor all around the store. We would ask her what things were and see how close we could get to strangers before she wouldn't talk. I learned more about her comfort hierarchy being there. Kenz loves animals so talking about the animals that were throughout the store made her feel more comfortable. She did great and continued talking about things through the store. Her dr was so proud as was I

I knew after therapy that this week at dance I really needed to work on moving away from Kenz. With therapy I have learned way to help make Kenzee more comfortable in a room. Little things that I would never think about before. Such as not being by a door because seeing people pass by or being in the front of the room because seeing people pass by or look at her will create more anxiety. So when its time for her to find her sticker she always picks the back corner sticker. As we were warming up I would slowly inch by inch step away from her. She noticed after a couple minutes and came to me. So I took her back to the sticker and waited awhile and then started again. I was able to get almost to the other side of the room without her. She loves doing somersaults at home but is not as interested in them at dance. So when it was time for the mats I told her to stay by the wall with the other girls who were waiting there turn. I again slowly inched further away. After a while two other girls sat by Kenz and started talking to her about her leotard. She smiled and pointed to a heart that was on it. She was nonverbal with the girls but was smiling away and laughing with them. She instantly brought tears to my eyes. She was making contact with the girls that she talks about nonstop at home. I even took another girl to the bathroom and Kenz was so content she didn't realize I was gone. The teachers even recognized how great she was doing.

11/10- It's time to push the limits

After us being in the room for a while and Kenz was fully warmed up, her and her dr went on a walk down the hall. I stayed in the room but I could hear her being happy in the halls. She let him pick her up so she could get a drink. He was so thrilled with how well she was doing. When they came back in the room she told me all about their little walk, the best part was she was excited.

11/03- New ideas

Today we worked on getting Fred and I both out of the room, inch by inch and closing the door. I was so impressed with Kenz! She did amazing and didn't care that we had left the room. She was having such a blast playing catch with her dr. She did at one time say, "they shut the door." But besides that she was happy and content in the room. When we did talk with the dr we talked about coming up with a reward system soon to expose her to more social situations. We also talked about ways to work on dance and the dr agreed with me and having Kenz attempt to do recital. I was so happy that I made the right decision.

10/31/10-Halloween

In the past we have only taken Kenz to the campground for trick or treating. We have never taken her house to house because one year she had surgery and last year she wasn't feeling well. This being her first year we decided to take her to our church's indoor ToTing. Fred took her around to the doors while I passed out candy. She loved seeing the costumes, unless they were wearing a mask. She didn't want to say "trick or treat" or "thank you." But that was the nice perk of being at our church, most of the members know about Kenz having SM so they knew not to push it. After she went around she came back to our door and helped me pass out candy to the other kids, which she LOVED doing! Afterwards on the way home I had Fred drop us off and I took Kenz to a few houses on our street. She thought it was so cool running from house to house. People would try to get her to say ToT but she wouldn't move her lips. I was glad Kenz was able to enjoy her first real Halloween!

10/27/10-New day, new attempt

Today Kenz walked into the drs office on her own. I'm realizing if I hold Jaxon then she realizes I cannot hold her and she will walk in on her own. Her doctor wanted to try something new today. For the first ten minutes I sat next to Kenz like usual on the couch. Her dr said on the other side and was playing with her light up shoes. After a few minutes I turned my back to them but stayed in the same spot on the couch. Every few minutes I slowly inched my way towards the end of the couch. Then the dr brought me his chair and I sat in that still with my backs to them. Again I slowly inched away but this time it was towards the door. Jaxon and I remained by the door while Kenz and her dr played catch. I swear shes going to play baseball soon! She was catching every throw from the dr and she was throwing far. Only a few times did Kenz come to talk to me, but it was more talking to Jaxon. At the end of course she asked me for a picture. I asked her if she could ask her dr for one. She did the finger in mouth and was grabbing her tag. So her dr said if she could point to where the pictures are made then they will. Of course she pointed to it. He picked her up and as proud as can be she put both hands in the copier.

10/13/10-Pictures, pictures, and MORE pictures!!

Today was such a blast for Kenzee at therapy!!! Her dr showed her a copy he made of one of the toys. She thought that was so neat. She picked out a toy for him to make a picture of(copy). She was just cracking up at the pictures of toys she was holding. Kenz picked out another toy and let her dr pick her up to put it in the machine. Before I knew it she was the one pushing the buttons to make a copy. She copied sooo many toys today! She spent majority of her session talking to her dr about the pictures of toys and about the toys details.

10/06/10-Kenzee the elephant

We talked about different ways we could work on exposure with Kenz. He again emphasized the importance of hierarchy; comfort people and comfort places. Kenz had a hard time focusing and wanting to play with her dr. Once Fred started playing with the wind up toys, that got Kenz's attention. They played together with them on the mat. The saying is an elephant never forgets, well then Kenz is an elephant. Of course she was asking me for a picture at the end of therapy.

9/29/10

9/22/10

9/15/10

9/8/10- Just Dance

Today was Kenz's first therapy since she started dance classes. Even though she wasn't very involved in dance, she absolutely loved it! She had so much to share with the doctor. It was good to see even though she wasn't involved like the other girls, she was still absorbing everything they were doing. She remembered certain moves and songs they sang. It gave me hope because I knew deep down she was enjoying herself, even if she wasn't showing it

8/25/10

Kenz's excitement for her 3rd birthday was just building up! She had so much to share with her doctor about her  "birthday coming soon and her turning 1." Yes, Kenz used to alway say she would be 1 even though we would correct and tell her no you're going to be 3. She was having a horse themed party and was thrilled about it. She was telling her dr about Aunt Rose's horses, Mekka and Midnight(sorry Rose if I misspelled ).

8/18/10

8/11/10

8/4/10

7/28/10-Sucess!!

Yahoooooooooo!!!! Today Kenzee finally went all the way under the desk and back by the bookcase to get a ball. The best part was it wasn't just a one time thing, she did it a few times! I just love seeing her being so outgoing there. I just hope one day she will be that outgoing with everyone.

7/14/10-Will she go?

The goal of today was to get Kenz to go back by the bookcase and underneath the desk. It seemed like such a silly goal but it was something that Kenz needed to do. With SM I now realize how sometimes I take the simple little tasks for granted. What seems so simple to some is quite complex for others. I can easily ask another coworker for help with a lesson plan yet Kenz cannot even tell daycare workers that she wants to do an certain activity. A simple task like taking Kenz to the park can lead to a total shut down from her. However the importance of exposure is the key. We cannot force it upon Kenz but we need to slowly work it in. Sometimes it will be inch by inch, literally. Today the dr was slowly rolling the ball or at times the wind up toy so it would inch closer to underneath the desk. Once it got to a certain point, she refused to go and get it.

7/7/10-Exploring new boundaries

The dr wanted to test out Kenz and how far she would go within the room. He was curious if she would go anywhere within his office. Its a typical office with two desks, chair, and a couch. It's not overly big. He decided to do this by playing catch with her. He would throw the play around with her and throw it to different areas of the room to see if she would go get it. My first thought was of course she will, its a ball which she loves playing and shes been in this office numerous times. To my surprise as the dr threw it around the room, there were certain areas she wouldn't go to for the ball. If the ball rolled under the desk or at the very back, she wouldn't go get it. She would just look at it and ask Fred or I to go get it. Now the dr had a goal to work towards in therapy. At the end of therapy Kenz put her hand on top on Freds for a picture. I just love how she still calls copies of the hands pictures :)

6/23/10-Hopefully its the right decision

The dr did inform us prior to the IEP that we did not have to sign it at the meeting and if we would like then he would look over it before we did sign it. However we did sign it because I agreed with it. Once I explained the the dr about the ECDD classroom for next year the dr also agreed with our decision. Kenz would benefit from the teacher in ECDD because of her experience and knowledge of SM however the students in the class wouldn't give Kenz a good speech role model, which is what she needs. Another option we had was preschool but that is only 2x a week and her dr agreed that wasn't an option because it isn't consistent enough. I never thought the process of sending Kenz to school would be so difficult. We live in a school district with great schools.

For the rest of the session Kenzee continued to do great and play with the dr. She was having regular conversations with him. When we first got there she was still not very talkative but she eventually slowly comes out of her shell. It's so great seeing her make such progress.

6/17/10-IEP

I wasn't sure how the IEP was going to pan out. The social worker, pyschologist, and speech pathologist were able to see Kenzee interact with her peers at daycare. They all agreed she didn't interact like a typical three year old but she did show interest in her friends. The IEP consisted of us, speech pathologist, school social worker, school pyschologist, principal, Early Ons worker, and the owner of the daycare. Kenz and Fred played while the rest of us sat at a table to discuss Kenz. One by one they all talked about their observations of Kenz at daycare. Basically they all said how full of smiles and laughter she was towards her peers but didn't usually speak. She did a few times talk to one of the boys. We talked about the benefits and disadvantages to her going into a ECDD classroom. After much discussion we decided it would be best for Kenz to continue at daycare and not enter the ECDD room. We also decided that when she does go to school at the elementary, we will put a 504 in place. The 504 will be so she has friends from daycare in her class and other techniques that work for her comfort zone.

6/16/10-IEP pep talk

The main discussion was what should we expect from her IEP. I knew all about IEPs and how they work, but only from the teacher's standpoint. I was terrified to be on the other side of the table as the parent. Usually Kenzee's dr attends IEPs but because of the driving distance he was unable to make it but talked us through what we needed to do. I felt a slight bit more comfortable after him talking to us.

This week Kenz thought everyone needed a picture done. First Fred made one of his hand. Then Kenz wanted Jaxon and I to make one. But she was still unsure of it and just watched as we did it.

6/9/10

Today we talked about ways to lessen the anxiety level with Kenz is beign dropped off at daycare and ways to get her to open up to the adults there. The dr said one of us needs to stay for a bit when dropping off and get her engaged in an activity that is high on her hierarchy then slowly introduce other adults and children to the play and conversation. During therapy Kenzee enjoyed playing with the toys. She loved it when her dr would wind them up and have them race on the mat by his desk. By the end of the session Kenz was having a blast!! It was amazing to see her interact with another adult who she just recently met. She was so relaxed and engaged :)

6/2/10

My initial fear was beginning to simmer down. I just kept telling myself early intervention is the key and with our support Kenz will make it through this. I will do everything in my will to advocate what is best for my children. I was still always unsure of what to expect at therapy. When we arrived Kenz wanted nothing with wanting to walk through the door. Once we were in therapy room she sat on the couch between Fred and I. She sits so close that I feel like I'm going to slowly tip over because of the pressure shes putting on me. Today it took her only half of the session and then she got down on the floor and engaged in play. She was very intrigued by the wind up toys and how they would go on the carpet versus the mat. At the end of the session she remembered about making pictures but wanted nothing to do with getting near the machine. Fred made a copy of his hand.

5/26/10- Deep breath.... first appointment

5/19/10- The phone call

What's that?

Mackenzee was reenrolled into early ons (speech program ). The lady from early ons had been at our house many times before working win kenzee so she was no stranger. When S arrived kenz buried her head on me and I could tell she wasn't comfortable so I let her go outside. S and I sat at the table so I could watch kenz and discuss my concerns and reasoning for wanting to start early ons again.

Background on Kenzee:
Kenz has always been a "shy" child. She would scream even as a baby whenever left at the church nursery or at someone's house we might not visit often. Kenz started attending daycare a little after during one for socialization and so I could finish up my bachelors degree. After going to the same daycare for over a yr she wasn't talking to the workers or other children and dropoff was still a nightmare.

S observed how Kenzee played outside and wouldn't even come inside since she was sitting right there. We discussed how I knew she could talk and had great language skills now but not many other people were able to see it. S asked if I ever heard of Selective Mutism and prior to her mentioning, no I hadn't. She described characteristics of Selective Mutism and I felt like she was describing Kenz.

As soon as S left I was on the computer googling Selective Mutism. How could I go through getting my degree in elementary education and taking some special education classes and never hearing of it? Unfortunately for me, Selective Mutism isn't googles bff. I didn't find much but what I did find was very eye opening. I just sat there and read over and over about Selective Mutism. I was in shock, could Kenz possibly have this? What would I do to find out if she does? My brain was going a million miles a minute.

On one of the SM sites there was a link for professionals who deal with SM. Wow, there were two doctors in MI that dealt with SM and neither was within an hr radius. I spend days rereading the site and finally decided to take Kenz to the peditrician and discuss with him.

I loved her pedi but wasn't quite sure how to approach the subject matter.